July 9, 2020

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O, Too

July 9, 2020


Let's talk about components.

Let's talk about elements of this earth we encompass let's

talk about universal understanding and

universal activity and

universal loss    let's 

talk about breath. 

Let's talk about breath    let's

talk about the breath it takes for me to fuck up this writing block caused by a refusal to accept the reality that is // 

Papi's who pass

Away - 


At the hands of others at the hands of suffocation of all sorts     let'’s

talk about air. 

Let’s talk about a refusal to exhale these words because ink provides an eternity that i am unprepared to accept i mean let's talk about


Let’s talk about the breath i need to get through, to push through, the truth of living amid the epicenter of a failed state      let's 

spitball these words to the general public    lets'

Talk about the space needed between those words in orders to receive the oxygen necessary to explain our 


So let’s talk about breath.

Let’s talk about the short breaths my father took while we naively thought he'd be able to survive the swallow that is Covid- at the crib. Let’s talk about how desperate we were to believe his breath would get through, would push through, i mean this was superman super healthy super active       Let's talk about air, let's talk about acute respiratory distress and how it took my father’s


Let’s talk about the vent, let's talk about the tubes placed down his throat - no - 

Let’s talk about the breath he took to speak to me 4 weeks prior to him being hooked onto an electronic source of the element that surrounds us      let’s 

talk about how he inhaled laughed and called me his little girl    let’s 

talk about how between breaths before he entered the ambulance never to be heard from again he said 

I love you 

and i took that breath and i held it in from too far away     let’s

talk about how  i could not feel his breath before he left

i could not hear his breath weeks before he left I

wouldn’t wish this distant death upon my arch nemesis     let's talk about breath let's


Talk about the odor I'm sure exits the mouth of 45 as he spits his breath    let's

talk about his lack of breath let's talk about his lack of breath and lack of sense and the statistics that say had he taken that breath 7 days prior to lockdown

and announced lockdown when everyone else told him to fucking lockdown when other countries proved we needed to fucking lockdown let’s talk about breath

lets talk about the thousands of  bodies that statistics say would still 

breathe today 

had he taken that breath

& for once in his life chose to use it for the good of humanity.



talk about breath. Not about politics. 

But shit, it’s one in the same in this day and age i mean my father was a father he changed my world and he changed the world / George Floyd was a father he was Gianna's father and he changed her world so he changed the world and his breath

was taken


So let’s talk about breath. 


Let’s talk about suffocation 'cause 

The ICU doctor told us Covid attacked my father’s organs and lungs causing him suffocation. Let’s talk about suffocation. Let’s talk about the 20 days my father was in the hospital and how my mother couldn’t understand him because his body could not function without air being pumped into his throat     let’s 

talk about the doctors who worked tirelessly to get that oxygen into his throat as

 pasty ass confederate people protested pandemic breath without masks 

Let’s talk about the nurses who took breaths through their masks and tears, let’s talk about how i have to believe i have to believe they did everything they could to keep him from suffocating alone to keep his body from eventually choking on its own entity


talk about saving breath, let’s talk about suffocation. 

Let’s talk about a knee on the neck causing suffocation let’s talk about chemicals in canisters causing suffocation let’s talk about the breath my man my beautiful black man takes when he gets pulled over by any officer-  let's talk about using that last breath to call out for your mama like George Floyd called out for his mama like i called out for my mama when my father left the universe    let's

talk about the doctors who did everything they could to save my father from suffocating and the officers who kept George Floyd suffocating. Let’s talk about universal loss.

Let’s talk about breath. 

Let’s talk about the breath it takes to cry out for your father while the world continues to lose individuals by the thousands let’s talk about mourning without thousands or any human hugs let's talk about grief without touch.

Let’s talk about configuring virtual funerals in the age of corona let's talk about watching your mother make call after call  to handle the logistics of death and it’s ties to the government when she should only have to make space for her own breath and let's talk about big Floyd's family having to handle those calls times a million because our system creates the necessity that is broadcasting brutal HOMICIDAL deaths so let's talk about breath.

Let’s talk about universal loss. 


My father was many things, including an advocate, an activist, and he lived a life of service. He wanted more from this world. He demanded more for this world. And his breath was taken before his time. The what-ifs could eat up all of my oxygen but I'm breathing through to this stage of acceptance and my inhales are reserved for that energy alone. I need to find my peace. 

But how can oxygen allow peace when fathers continue to be taken? How can oxygen allow peace when batons are beaten against bodies demanding more from this world? How can oxygen allow peace when an autocrat is on the rise in the middle of last resort rebellion? How can oxygen allow peace when I didn’t get to say goodbye? How can oxygen allow peace when Gianna didn’t get to say goodbye? How can oxygen allow peace while 45s army of blues and suits alongside incompetence may have caused the death of my father the death of Gianna’s father the death of countless fathers and daughters and mothers and brothers and sisters and goddamn in through the nose,

out through the mouth, breathing american people? 

Let’s not talk about breath. 

Let’s listen to the movement, instead. 

Rest in peace to my hero,  Waldemar Gonzalez. Rest in peace George Floyd.

Black Lives Matter.

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© 2018 Leah V